The Choices I Made
by NinFawx
Summary: If there was a chance. Just a chance. One chance to save you. I’d do it over and over and over again. A million times if it would bring you back. I’d pray. I’d wish upon so many shooting stars for life to be different, Lisa. Ianto/Lisa, Jack/Ianto


Name: The Choices We Make...  
Show: Torchwood  
Pairing: Ianto/Lisa, Jack/Ianto  
Disclaimer: Like most fangirls, if I owned Torchwood, then there would be more meaningful Jack/Ianto scenes, more 'avant garde dabbling' and a little less Gwen-loving. ;

My first story on probably a complete failure, but there we go. I'll see what you guys think. nn This is just an example of how randomly bored I get. It's styled a little like writing into a diary, I guess.

* * *

I could smile and pretend

I could smile and pretend. Of course I could. This is for you, Lisa, your life, our life, our love; I have to fix this. 

Captain Jack Harkness: enigmatic, charming, willing to flirt with anything that moves. I could do this. Of course I could. This is for you, Lisa.

I could fake my way into Torchwood; smile and pretend, laugh a little, flirt here and there, offer myself, if needed. I could do this. No questions asked, Lisa.

It wasn't all that difficult to get into Torchwood three. Captain Jack Harkness seemed oblivious to my acting – if only I could call it that.

I, Ianto Jones, have managed to fool Captain Jack Harkness. I think, I hope and I regret. As I walk away, distantly hearing 'I like your suit', I can't help but feel afraid _scared, alone, please, for God's sake! I'm sorry, but I have to… I've taken that first step forward, I can't stop it, now…_; afraid of him, afraid of Lisa, afraid of the future and what I have and may become.

I'm afraid I may have fallen for him.

In that very moment.

Something sparked.

I'm afraid I felt something, Captain Jack Harkness.

And I'm afraid that I regret pulling you out of the flames. It's my fault you're in pain, now.

I could, _will_, slip past Captain Jack Harkness' barriers and save you. And I'll be the only one to know. I will do this for you, Lisa. Love will push me on – even if my love has now divided, for one who is living and one who is being given life by a machine.

I'll save you, Lisa… but I think my hope for him is the only thing saving me.

0o0o0

It's over, now. My life is, isn't it? I betrayed him, _them_, I betrayed _you_. I betrayed you, Lisa. My Lisa, my only love.

I can't tell if that's a lie, anymore. Are you my only love, when you're dead—destroyed by metal, so cold and emotionless? Are you my only love when all I can think about is how angry He looked—how my heart ached?

He was beyond angry. I think He would've killed me. He was so close… His finger, trembling on the trigger, twitching, itching to pull it to rid the betrayer.

I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't. But I _had_ to.

If there was a chance.

Just a chance.

One chance to save you. I'd do it over and over and over again. A million times if it would bring you back.

I'd pray. I'd wish upon so many shooting stars for life to be different. I'd travel back in time… I'd _die_ for you.

Anything. Just say the word, Lisa, even if it's only my imagination. I could do it; I always could, if it was for you, Lisa.

"You execute her, or I'll execute you _both_."

I could do that for him, Lisa. I know I could.

I always loved you. But, I can't love a monster. So, for now, I hate him _he's a monster for making me do this… but what hurts me of all is that I feel _relief. and I hate what you have become—but I _love_ you. I love you.

0o0o0

We were caught by cannibals. I almost died. It's all a bit of a blur, now, but I know was terrified.

Did you know, in that very moment, with the knife pressed to my throat, I think I felt relief, again?

And then He turned up.

Our knight in shining armour shot the cannibals, and we were free. I was free.

Free from the little relief I felt, and the more I think about it, the more I realise that it wasn't relief.

It was hope.

Hope he'd save us.

I knew I was right. I always am, aren't I, Lisa?

_But I thought I knew best about what to do with you. I was wrong then, wasn't I, Lisa?_

0o0o0

Sometimes, I wonder if this is okay. If what we're doing, is right, when all I can think about how you feel. How you feel about me, and how you feel about Jack. How you feel about the world, it's unfairness and uncertainties.

How you feel about your life and death.

I'm alive, Lisa.

Not alive enough to be happy, but living, nonetheless.

Months have passed since that incident, and Jack has begun to trust me, again. I'm glad. I'm happy - _but only a little._

I know I'm beginning to feel attached to Him, beginning to feel just for Him. I know this is all going to end badly, that I'm damning myself.

But that little happiness is keeping me going, making me hold on tight. I couldn't pry my hands away, even if I wanted to.

I'm in far too deep, now, Lisa.

I can't back out.

Trapped and suffocating in his life, his very _existence_.

I'm so very afraid of Him.

0o0o0

Jack died. He died. How did he die? I'm not sure.

That terrible creature killed so many. It killed Jack, and Jack killed it.

Come back, Jack.

We need you. We always will. We love you.

I love you. I think I did from the start.

_You've rescued us so many times, but who'll rescue you…?_

0o0o0

Jack's alive.

I've never felt better.

Jack left us.

I've never felt worse.

What are we to each other, Lisa? Can you tell me? Tell me he needs me.

I want to know that as fact.

It is. He _needs_ me.

Jack needs me.

Captain Jack Harkness needs me.

Captain Jack Harkness _needs_ me.

Maybe, just maybe, if I write it enough times… say it out loud... think it as much as possible...

It'll become fact.


End file.
